"Twilight" Terrible

 

    You know some things you make fun of as a kid because as a 10-year-old boy you don't really know any better and you just think that it sounds really stupid. And you know, eventually as you mature that opinion slowly fades away, and you even try and go into things with an open mind, hoping to shed that narrow-mindedness and immaturity, thinking that you've grown as a person and simply saw things differently. Sadly, when it comes to Twilight 10-year-old me was right. This movie sucks. I mean deep down a part of me kind of had an inkling of an idea it was going to be bad, I watched this with my sister begrudgingly, but it was worse than mediocre, it was just plain bad. The worst part is? I'm kind of tempted to watch the rest just to see how much worse it gets?

    I will state for the record that I do have some idea of what happens in Twilight the series, or at least eventually, but apparently all of that information only matters/is relevant after this film. I mean they didn't even play Decode by Paramore, which I personally promised would have raised the score of this film by 10 points if they actually did play it. Sadly, that never did happen so I'm going to rip into this film. In retrospect both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had successful careers after this movie but the acting in this film sucks. Kristen Stewart is for some reason as pale as every other vampire, and she only speaks in this weird monotone voice, and well Robert Pattinson looks like he has something massive lodged up his ass the entire film.

    I mean I won't even touch the plot, I think it's hilariously flimsy and speaks for itself for the most part. I mean even ignoring the fact that it takes about an hour for Bella to even realize Robert is a vampire, and about only 35 minutes for them to introduced the antagonist, and immediately kill him off. I thought it was kind of nice that they didn't make them like super stereotypical vampires that sleep in coffins and are afraid of garlic, but that's about the nicest thing I can say about this film. It just kind of meanders around for the most part aimlessly to try and set the Cullen's up as these creepy vampires, but they don't do a particularly good job of it. A lot of this film is spent in Bella's high school and it just isn't very interesting watching them do the "new girl in town" schtick.

    I will admit this film is kind of funny at times though. Not because it's trying to be, but just because it's bad. I mean the dialogue is bad, the entire film is like hilariously blue just so you know they're in some small town that always rains. The characters are all boring, I feel like no chemistry between Bella and Edward it's just a lot of montages. The camera work is kind of funny I suppose. Yet despite it all, I sat through this entire movie, so I guess that has to count for something?

Final Score: 20/100

    If it was a funny bad movie the score would actually be higher, it might be teetering on something good. Jacob isn't even a real love interest for Bella yet which is a shame because they basically withhold from viewers anything particularly interesting about werewolves, or vampires or any sort of lore or worldbuilding in this movie. It just plays itself as a boring and empty high school drama for the first hour and then they do some weird action sequence because vampires love to fight each other. Even the climax in this film where Edward has to "resist" to suck all of Bella's blood doesn't feel particularly impactful. Yet you'll probably see me review the rest of the films if my sister has her way.

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