"Drake - For All The Dogs" Warcrime

 


    Why am I reviewing this again? I had to go check the last time I liked a modern Drake song, and I'm pretty sure What's Next was the only song I had liked from him. That was over two years ago. For a mainstream artist whose supposed to be accessible, but also from the same city as me, I have not been impressed by Drake. Look, I try and support Canadian artists but I can't support this man all I know him for these days is being fruity, texting minors, and showing up to Toronto Raptors games it's not exactly a stellar reputation. I mean I did really enjoy old Drake singles I remember hearing them as a kid they were good, but I don't really expect any of that now, so without further ado, a painful track-by-track review of For All The Dogs who let this be almost 1 and half hours long?

For All The Dogs - Drake

Virginia Beach - 40/100 I'm afraid that the Frank Ocean sample is going to be the best part of this song. I mean you can barely tell it's Frank Ocean I feel like it's just there to say hey look I sampled Frank Ocean. I might be hallucinating this song how is it 4 minutes it felt like it never happened but it was also so long. I suppose this is my baseline for it all.

Amen (feat. Teezo Touchdown) - 20/100 I can't believe people have gone through the genius page for every single song on this album to explain Drake's rhymes. Once again these songs are so long yet go by so quickly how can one man be this boring with so much time to shine.

Calling For You (feat. 21 Savage) - 35/100 "Get to the crib, make you cum Pussy sweet, call you my honeybun (Tss)" This dude is such a bum bro. Also why is his falsetto voice autotuned he sounds so funny in the part where he's just like (Tss) a bunch. Also why is there just a really awkward pause before the interlude which is also so boring. Why is some girl complaining about Oxtail and Jerk chicken that shit's so good. "Fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah Fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah-fah". 21 Savage at least tries to inject this song with energy this should not be 5 minutes long. "All of my kids get left in her mouth, she say she don't believe in abortions"

Fear Of  Heights -  30/100 I will give this song a higher score for the sole reason of it being half the length of the last song which means I'll pay more attention to it. 

Daylight - 10/100 Shoutout Devin Booker. I will say that the Taylor Swift song of the same name is better than whatever this is. "She said she was vegan, she eatin' a goat" Drake like's having his ass eaten confirmed? I mean it wouldn't surprised me. Look children are cool but as Michael Jordan put it "Fuck them kids" that Adonis outro singlehandedly brought this song down.

First Person Shooter (feat. J.Cole) - 70/100 I don't actually listen to J.Cole but I've heard he was actually good at music so maybe he can make this song a bit more bearable. Woah, J.Cole actually made Drake sound like he's got something to rap about, and not sound like he's giving 20% energy on a song? He made Drake actually do his job of being a rapper? I can't believe it. I kind of actually like this song? Maybe J.Cole would only let Drake release this song if he actually tried on it.

IDGAF (feat. Yeat) - 20/100 All I know about Yeat going into this is that he's some white rapper, so I have lowered my expectations accordingly. We have once again come back to me sleeping through songs how did Yeat already sing like 2 verses and like 3 choruses I thought the song just began.

7969 Santa - 30/100 Shoutout Drake for choosing the most boring and airy ass beats for this song, it really makes it easier for me to tune it out he's a real one for that. Woah that Piano once again brought me back to that song. Teezo's lyrics aren't the best but his singing is fine enough that I have once again started to pay attention good job man. I'd slightly raise the score but him barking like a dog was so goofy man. Also how much did he pay Snoop Dogg for that outro he almost sounds ai-generated.

Slime You Out (feat. SZA) - 60/100 I actually like SZA, but we'll see if I like this song by her. Some similarities they share is that they're both petty and rude people, and they love bloating their albums (SOS would have been better if it wasn't loaded with so many songs should have made a B-sides album or something, damn Tiktok incentivizing throwing shit at the wall). Frankly Drake's autotune is the most grating part of this song, he can kind of sing, it's not that hard I don't know why he wants it at everywhere. The song needs more SZA and less Drake though, otherwise it's fine.

Bahamas Promises - 15/100 Why were dogs barking at the end that made me check if the song is done. I was watching food Tiktok's waiting for it to end I didn't know Drake could get sleepier.

Tried Our Best - 10/100 I can't lie my ears perked up when I heard the word gay and was disappointed it was just used for some dumb wordplay. I don't know what that says about me but I listen to Car Seat Headrest so I'll let you make the inference. How are these songs becoming progressively more boring as they go on.

Screw The World - Interlude - N/A Thank God a song explicitly titled interlude I don't have to rate another song. Some scary foreshadowing when Drake says "put your ass to sleep".

Drew A Picasso - 5/100 "Movin' like Snoopy and Charlie Brown. Feel like you tryna dog the kid" What does this mean? How is this song so long? Did you know that right now for Disney's 100th anniversary they're doing a collaboration with Tiktok where you can get these weird cards and like something for your profile picture?

Members Only (feat. PARTYNEXTDOOR) - 20/100 What the hell is a gangy? The last PARTYNEXTDOOR and Drake collab I remember was Come and See Me which was pretty good, but this song is just straight cheeks once again.

What Would Pluto Do - 10/100 I'm going to be honest with you I thought he was talking about that Pluto dog from Disney at first and it makes this song more interesting so I'm going with that interpretation. I miss his dumb Sprite commercial that was funny as hell man. Made me go down a rabbit hole of ad's.

All The Parties (feat. Chief Keef) - 15/100 Shout Kevin Durant. I started a Skyrim playthrough during this song that is all I'll say.

8am in Charlotte - 65/100  Drake said no hetero, that's all you need to know.

BBL Love - Interlude - N/A Why did he compare love to a BBL?

Gently (feat. Bad Bunny) - 5/100 The less I hear Drake sing in Spanish the happier I am. Did you also know I generally dislike Latin music?

Rich baby Daddy (feat. Sexyy Red & SZA) - 4/100 SZA makes a return but um I really don't like Sexyy Red. What does she do? Why is this song so long?

Another Late Night (feat. Lil Yachty) - 10/100 All I can say is that I really liked Let's Start Now by Lil Yachty.

Away From Home - 9/100 I'm not even trying with this shit anymore let me go man insert that one Eric Bledsoe tweet.

Polar Opposites - 8/100 The greatest thing Drake has done to affect me is bringing attention to Toronto and having those cool OVO Raptor Jerseys. That is all. 

Final Score: 23/100

    All I will say is that I consider myself generous with the score I've given this album. It's genuinely baffling how one can have so much money and produce such a terrible album. There was one song I'd say I'd think about listening to again, and J.Cole kind of carried it to be honest. This album was bloated in the sense that it had too many songs, and also in the sense that the songs were way too long. So many useless skits, the fact that this album clocked in at almost an hour and a half is criminal this is legitimately awful it's been a while since I've encountered such pathetic mediocrity.


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