"Take That - The Circus" Truly Living Up To It's Name

     Jesus. I have no connection at all to this band, but after seeing the reviews and scores some of my friends have put out for it, I have no hope at all that this album will be anything but painless. I mean the score it has on AOTY makes me hopeful that it'll be mediocre, but this group seems so obscure that it lacks genres, a track list, or any tags. Not to mention the album has a generous score of 63 based off of 16 ratings, and I'm supposed to believe that these are the biggest Take That fans out there? Shoutout CJ for singlehandedly bringing the score down with his 8/100 review by the way, I swear the score was higher when I first looked at the albums AOTY page. I mean from what my friend Murph said it's value is largely nostalgic to him, but I hope to also enjoy something out of this? I mean I'm pretty lenient on generic pop so surely it can't be that bad. So without further ado, my track-by-track review of The Circus by Take That.

The Circus - Take That

The Garden - 30/100 Look, I enjoy English accents, I mean I listen to the pretentious ass 1975 and I can't understand anything Matt Healy says, and I love The Arctic Monkeys, I mean mostly their first album but same thing. Why is this first track so dramatic, I cannot take it seriously man, why the fuck did it randomly just start singing about soldiers? Why did it climax so soon, there has been no buildup it has been the shortest verses and choruses I've ever heard. The lyrics almost sound AI-generated man it's like Planet of the Bass but they think the lyrics actually work. I don't actually hate this track like it doesn't sound terrible but it's just such a funny nothing burger.

Greatest Day -  20/100 Looking at the lyrics for this song and it sounds so hilariously generic. I guarantee you if I searched up any line from this song and put it into Google you'd find some scammy, motivational Instagram page using it for their daily inspiration post or whatever. Once again this is a three minute song and they're already starting to repeat the same thing like past 1 minute. Why is this song climaxing already within like it's first quarter that's even faster than a porn-addled teenager seeing real boobs for the first time. It should be illegal for the first two songs to actually be this long they say absolutely nothing. At least the Garden had more than one part.

Hello - 50/100 I'm about to give this song a higher score than the other ones because they decided to use sounds other than that orchestra they used for the first two songs. It's almost like this song almost has a song structure, it just sounds very bootleg, let me go listen to Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, that's what this albums is just trying to be. It sounds exactly when youtubers or tv shows do like a funny bit making fun of musicals, and as a fan of musicals this is actually sort of passable it's slightly catchy. I mean I'm not the biggest fan of the production I wouldn't say it's mixed well nor is it particularly interesting content wise but hey a song that isn't complete garbage.

Said It All - 30/100 Ono, are they doing a slow sad ballad? I can hardly take them seriously when they're doing a happy ass corny song like Hello. At the very least I can say that for once they have written something that truly resonates with me as a listener. "Nothing to say at all. Nothing to say that matters. Haven't we heard enough?" They were so real when they put that in the song. This is like drinking sparkling water, technically it's not nothing, but you're mostly just chasing faint wisps that you'd be better off finding somewhere else. Also part of you thinks that anything worth of substance is just you trying to justify consuming it so it's probably actually rubbish.

Julie - 25/100 How can a band with lyrics of such little substance decide that they have earned the right to say even less and use gibberish in their song. I'm getting goosebumps listening to this album, not because it's moving me but because part of me is physically cringing listen to this man it's a bit embarrassing. Also is this song supposed to be for someone they actually like or for a child? I mean they're a boy band I can see that they're trying really hard to pander to their young audience right now.

The Circus - 15/100 Why does it sound so distant? Was this like an artistic choice that they made or did they just notice it sounded off in post and decided to keep it in. Once again the lyrics in the chorus are oddly self-aware. "But I'm the only clown you'll ever know" and "I love you was too many words to say" are the real standouts to me because it sounds like he really does struggle to say anything meaningful. 

How Did It Come To This - 10/100 Okay I can see refuse to let the band members actually write the lyrics this is atrocious. The opening lines are literally "Just the other day somebody said to me 'Hey, maybe you're just slightly schizophrenic And a little out of reach " you cannot make this up. Also if you go the genius page it describes a story happening in this song and that it was inspired by Amy Winehouse and that has to be so fake man this song is the equivalent of a 10 year old white girl saying I'm not like the other girls.

Up All Night - 5/100 This guitar sounds like that generic royalty free music they play in those scam Youtube videos or origami videos that have no voiceover and only subtitles. Holy shit the transition from the verse to the choruses are so jarring this is legitimately worse than any transition I heard off of Viva Las Vegas by Panic! At the Disco and that album legitimately gave me whiplash any time it moved from verse to chorus. Lower score for making me so damn uncomfortable. Jesus fuck it's like a bad musical how is the transition from chorus to bridge even worse man. How hard is it make a half passable bridge?

What Is Love - 15/100 Keep in mind that this album was released in 2008 even though it sounds like it's at least one or two decades older than that. Even the album cover looks like it'd be cover art from like an obscure but good Japanese city pop album that was released like 30 or 40 years ago. Like this distinctly sounds like a traditional slow Vietnamese ballad that was released at the minimum 30 years ago that I'd hear at a church party during karaoke.

You - 10/100 Sadly he lied in the second verse I could "give him my hurt if I'm feeling pain (I am)". At the very least with most bad K-pop I don't speak Korean so I don't have to listen to it but sadly as a user of English I must endure and understand this.

Hold Up A Light - 10/100 According to the Genius page for this last song apparently they made the decision to include hidden tracks that vary depending on the album you bought and all I have to say is that I understand the need to try and get people to buy more of their music because it would be hard for me to justify even buying one of these albums. I can confirm that I do indeed want to hold up a light and burn their homes after forcing me to listen to Up All Night that was legitimately one of my worst listening experiences of all time.

She Said - 20/100 So this is the bonus track they included on Spotify? This sounds like something that'd play in the background of an exposition dinner scene at some fancyish Italian restaurants from the 80's. Like you know Seinfeld? I never watched it but I can imagine that weird bald dude from Seinfeld eating at some fancy Italian restaurant for some dumb bit and this would play in the background of the scene as they walk in and are seated. Higher marks for being a change of pace.

Bonus Scores

Here - 28/100 Honestly I kind of wish this track was on my version of the album on Spotify in Canada because it's kind of better than Hold Up a Light mostly on the basis that it actually changes through the different parts of a song even if I feel like the transition is still mildly jarring. Is it kind of bad that this song would bring up the overall score of the album significantly?

Sleepwalking - 20/100 Damn they really saved all of their best material for the two bonus tracks that are supposedly on this album? Just not for me of course. I mean that's not to say that it's good I'd just say that it's slightly better than whatever slop is here. On a side note how in the world did this album rank so high it's almost as bad as Pitchfork's originally giving Discovery by Daft Punk a 6.4/10 when it came out.

Final Score (No Bonus Tracks): 20/100

    Am I even allowed to say that the first half of this album is frontloaded if the only song I actually enjoyed from this sloppy joe of a nothing burger is Hello? It's not even my favourite song named Hello. I can see why they called this album The Circus because I left feeling like a clown. From the awful production, to the lyrics that are somehow both nonsensical and generic it's almost kind of amazing how awful this album is. Thankfully it's been left behind in obscurity because I would become depressed if I found out a new generation of people enjoyed this music. It's almost laughable how much it sounds like a bad musical. They also seem to have forgotten the most important rule of boy bands, while your target audience is pre-pubescent 10-12 year old's and under, you should be making music that actually sounds like its targeting the 13-18 demographic because otherwise you make this album which sounds like Christian Kidz Bop. I have no more words do not listen to this honestly even my rating of 20 is generous.