"Bayonetta 1" This is the Cult Classic?

 

    Once again, I open up this review with my classic anecdote detailing my connection to whatever I'm reviewing, but when it comes to Bayonetta I'm about as well versed as anyone else, I literally only know her from playing Super Smash Bros. I mean it's a fun game don't get me wrong, but to be honest I feel like a lot of the hype for the game comes from the fact that this game is ridiculously horny, and I mean like yeah they're just spreading the legs for fun at this point.

    When you open Bayonetta you are pleasantly greeted with the horniest thing you've ever seen. Frankly, I was mildly uncomfortable playing this game in front of my family, I mean Bayonetta is indeed hot, but surely we don't need fan service that rivals even the most degenerate anime I've ever watched. Like the game is great, and I love the combat, but all of the momentum and adrenaline is really dulled once you become hit with the longest cutscene known to man.

    I suppose I'd be more forgiving if it was actually easy to understand the lore? Like it just drags on and on and on, eventually you just leave your controller on your body and go on your phone waiting for the cutscene to end. I mean the lore is pretty much, sages and witches control the balance of the world, Bayonetta is the last witch, she goes on to fight angels. I mean the game technically tries to be comedic at times, but often it just feels like it's trying to be horny at the same time, can someone point me in the direction of the developers how did Nintendo of all companies pick up this game it's so horny.

    Speaking of easy parts of the game, I'd say it's actually pretty unforgiving. Look, you'll search up best weapons and techniques just to bet met by a bunch of people saying "lol git gud the game isn't that hard" but don't worry, I too felt inept playing the game at normal difficulty. I mean the combat boils down to mastering the dodge technique, because pretty much if you're not doing almost all of your damage in witch time you're probably being beaten to a pulp at the same time. I actually loved the combat though, once you get the hang of it, stopping time and ripping apart these angels to smithereens feels so satisfying, though I do have to recommend you do not get the breakdance technique, it ruins so much.

    Though, as great as the combat is, it only works for the boss fights, which is where this game really shines. Like, the game is so fucking boring if you're not doing boss fights, which luckily is like 70% of the game, but otherwise the only memorable levels are the ones where you are not doing the normal combat that is allowed by the developers. Part of what makes these boss fights so great is the music, because lets be real, its hard to mess up a nice orchestral score. It just felt so grand and fit the angelic aesthetics from the enemies that you really did feel badass destroying biblically accurate angels.

    Sadly, it is ruined by terrible angles, did I forget to mention this game screams mid 2000's? It completely ruined the final battle for me, the boss fight, as cool as it was, has the character pretty much looking at where their vagina would be the entire time, instead of viewing the creator in all their glory. Furthermore, the last boss fights were kind of underwhelming, I certainly would not say the Lumen Sage was my favourite fight, and frankly I was just generally surprised by how easy he was to defeat.

    In addition, the quicktime events are frustrating to say the least. Not only do they immediately start before the player has time to react, but even if you get over half of the presses you need, you'll still lose it to other enemies, making it generally less of a cool time to witness greatness, and more of a time to groan as you know you're going to immediately die and be prepared for it this time. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the game as a whole, it's just, it feels really dated, and it's pretty much boss fights with some horny cutscenes pasted in between, which is fine I suppose.

Final Score: 70/100

    If it was less frustrating I'd give it a higher score. I think the final couple levels not sticking the landing really hurt this game for me. I think a 70 is a pretty good mark, but I would certainly not expect this game to have received a sequel if I played it when it first came out. I suppose I'm just a bit picky and have high standards, but in my eyes there's nothing wrong with calling out a game if it's aged a bit too poorly for my taste.