"Dynasty - KISS" How Did This Album Exist?

 


    My only experience with KISS is them being a novelty. Whenever someone in Hannah Montana brought up like old people rock music I always imagined Jackson dressing up as them. I never quite understood what music they made but did it really matter they had flashy outfits. It was always old dudes too so I just assumed it wasn't for me. Eventually as I became older I started to enjoy rock music more but no one ever seemed to praise KISS so I just kind of wrote them off as some weird novelty act of a bygone era, and well I suppose I was right. So if you really want to listen to Dynasty, here is my track-by-track review of it.

Dynasty – KISS

I Was Made For Lovin’ You – 70/100 his song is better than I thought solely because I only ever heard the hook in one stupid ad for like the GAP or Old Navy and it drove me crazy. I’m not that big of a fan of the chorus overall though but decent song I suppose.

2,000 Man – 40/100 This sounds aged even for an album that was released in 1979. How did Fleetwood Mac release Rumours in 1977 and Kiss released this in 1979. Its like aggressively generic in terms of sound and the lyrics are worse. Its not even fun like 1985 by Bowling for Soup where its lighthearted and pokes fun at the mom this guy is just singing about fucking a computer.

Sure Know Something – 70/100 This song is better than 2,000 man but it truly makes me feel nothing. The chorus mildly gets me to go oh? But generally, still inoffensive with its lyrics and sound

Dirty Livin’ – 40/100 Again its not awful like sonically but these lyrics just feel so derivative. There’s no soul, no passion just mediocrity all around. Did people just like Kiss because of the outfits?

Charisma – 10/100 Looking at the lyrics of this song and I’m not hopeful at all. This sounds like a song 40 year old men who hit on teenage girls would play in their pickup trucks or something. This song is a sex offender song who would like this??? It’s not even good sonically I’d take BTS over this. This is illegal.

Magic Touch – 35/100 If this song was in a movie it’d be like a really campy (in a bad way) shitty montage where a hypersexualized sexist vision of a women is in a crop top walking around and dudes do that shitty awooga eye thing at her. 

Hard Times – 35/100 He’s not singing about girls for once how interesting, except the way he sings this song still sucks. The chorus is so bad this is like what 50 year old beer belly dead beat fathers would listen to when they’re drunk and thinking about how their wives left them for being shit. It’s not even remotely catchy

X-Ray Eyes – 40/100 The only saving grace of this song is that its not about being pervy and looking at girls like I assumed it’d be. I guess even KISS isn’t stooping that low. If this was like remotely catchy I’d let the lyrics slide somewhat but its just so basic and kind of bad. Good job for not being creepy though

Save Your Love – 45/100 This shit ass. At the very least he isn’t being weird towards women, but again, this is not catch in the slightest. I don’t really get the appeal of this and I tend to enjoy old rock music. Guitar solo that exists, I can confirm they know how to play instruments. How is every song on this album like 4 minutes long???

Final Score: 35/100

What in the hell is this album? Did people actually enjoy this shitshow of mediocrity. At the very least with a BTS album I don’t need to understand the lyrics and listen to how awful they are. This has aged about as well as its target audience, which means its aged terribly and still wears a worn out leather jackets that’s too small and reeks of booze. How did anyone ever enjoy this, where is the disco part I didn’t even notice that? Calling this album disco fusion has to be racist somehow I don’t know how but its an affront to real disco music, which I tend to enjoy even if its kind of generic because at the very least its fun. Half of these songs have problematic lyrics and the rest have boring lyrics and like a total of 1.5 songs are catchy in its entirety. I finally understand why when they were in TV shows of mine as a kid they never played their music, because they knew even kids wouldn’t like this. Is there some old person novelty I’m not getting, is it the outfits? This album truly is proof that some songs are best left unreleased.


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